How to find out what you really want. It surprised me, too.
About six years ago, I was running around my apartment, “attending” online continuing education courses as part of my professional membership in an interior design organization.
As with everything at that time, I was squeezing my requirement in right before the deadline, probably packing for or unpacking from a work trip, updating my calendar and to-do list again, texting back a few friends I had neglected, gleaning juuuust enough information from this course to squeak by, all while convincing myself that everything was fine. “Fine,” after all, was my greatest hope for how my day-to-day life could feel at that point.
The hum of the instructor’s voice stopped.
Sweet! Another one down. I scrolled through the course list again. Titles on lighting, sustainability, and software crawled up my screen. In my glazed-over gaze, a course title on setting intentions jumped out at me. Hm. That sounded like it could make for some soothing background noise.
I hit play, and something truly bizarre happened.
Within minutes, I was sitting on the edge of my bed. Meaning, I had stopped moving. I don’t know if I can put into words how significant it was that I was doing one thing at a time and that one thing was listening.
I leaned in.
A letter of intention, as the instructor explained, is a letter you write for yourself describing what your life will be like in the next 3-5 years. It encompasses anything you can think of - relationships, health, work, leisure, creative outlets, tropical vacations, celebrity endorsement deals - you get the idea. You get as specific as possible on each element - how often you’re doing X, how many Y you want to have, what time you’ll do Z - while leaving some space for the things that cannot be planned. All the while, you focus on how each of these things will make you feel.
Huh.
I took a good, hard look around. I had many of the things I said I wanted to have, and I was doing many of the things I said I wanted to do. But how I was feeling?
Did it matter? I had things to do! So. Many. Things! And once I did all of those things, I could definitively prove that I was a real adult, which based on my field observations, meant being utterly burnt out. I mean, everything I was doing felt so important, and it made me feel important and - bonus! - it made me look important to other people, which made me feel even more important. But … oh, right. I was miserable.
Okay, then. What do I have to lose?
I know that putting my feelings at the center of my plans sounds irresponsible. But somehow, it felt right. It also felt like, if I don’t do this now, I never will. Because I’ll distract myself with performance reviews and “likes” and those shoes I saw at TJMaxx that I definitely need to have before my coupon expires.
So I sat down to write my own letter of intention. And arrogantly ambitiously, I decided that I could have my dream life in two years. Because psh! I didn’t need 3-5 years like these other chumps. And friends, let me tell you. I got everything, perfectly and exactly as I wanted …
NO! We’re all adults here. This is not fairy dust and unicorn princesses.
What I can tell you is that writing down how I wanted to feel was one of the most honest things I had ever done. It meant setting aside what is expected of me - even and especially what I expected of myself. Over the next few years, I took weird risks and made plenty of mistakes. It took some time to make big changes, and in many ways, I’m glad that it has all unfolded little by little. Ultimately, the choices I began to make were mine, and they were leading me to a life that actually feels like it’s mine.
So here is my encouragement for you: write down what you want and leave out what you don’t.
Here, you can find three options to get you started on the path to finding out what you really want. Choose the one that works best for you.
Option One: Write Free, My Love
Step 1:
Let it fly! Think about yourself 3-5 years in the future. Grab a pen and paper or your laptop, and write in the present tense/in the first person about how you feel about the specific things happening in your life. Think about your relationships, your work, where you live, your health, your wealth, and your leisure. Think about who and what makes you feel most alive. Immerse yourself inside the moment, feel how you want to feel, and use all five senses to get a full picture of what your life will be like.
Step 2:
Pick one thing from your letter that you can incorporate today, no matter how small. Or pick one thing from your real-life to do list today that doesn’t match your intentions. Then delete it, minimize it, or delegate it however you can.
Step 3:
Pick one thing from your letter that you will research or prepare to incorporate into your life later.
Step 4:
Review your letter as often as you can. Edit as needed.
Option Two: Answer Some Q’s
Step 1:
Write down the answers to these questions to get you started:
What are you most grateful for?
How do you feel when you wake up in the morning?
What things do you do when you first wake up?
What does your home look like?
Where do you want to live, and why would you love to live there?
Who do you spend your time with? How do you spend your time with them?
What work do you want to do? What do you love about it? How much do you get paid?
How do you take care of your body? How do you take care of your mental health?
How often do you want to travel? Where do you want to travel? Who do you want to go with? What do you want to do while you’re there? Will it be relaxing? Exciting? Invigorating? Eye-opening? How will it change your perspective?
How do you care for your family and friends?
What do you spend time learning about?
What clothes do you love wearing, and why do you love wearing them?
What makes you feel alive?
What do you love doing now (especially when no one else is around)?
What did you love doing as a kid?
What has surprised you by how much you have enjoyed it?
What does it feel like to do the things that are vital for your wellbeing?
What is marketed to you as a reward but deep down feels like a burden?
Step 2:
Take what you have written, and pull out what feels most important to you. You can highlight the things you have already written, or you can re-write them and re-format them so it’s easy to come back to.
Step 3:
Pick one thing that you can incorporate today, no matter how small. Or pick one thing from your real-life to do list today that doesn’t match your intentions. Then delete it, minimize it, or delegate it however you can.
Step 4:
Pick one thing that you will research or prepare to incorporate into your life later.
Step 5:
Review what you have written as often as you can. Edit as needed.
Option Three: Mad-Libs Style
Step 1:
Fill in the blank! Print this baby out, fill it in, or follow this link to the Mad Libs version of this idea. Note: Taking this as-is will make for a pretty boring letter of intention, but it will get you started. Use this as a jumping-off point!
(Psst … choose words that make you happy!)
Step 2:
Take what you have written, and pull out what feels most important to you. You can highlight the things you have already written, or you can re-write them and re-format them so it’s easy to come back to.
Step 3:
Pick one thing that you can incorporate today.
Step 4:
Pick one thing that you will research or prepare to incorporate into your life later.
Step 5:
Review what you have written as often as you can. Edit as needed.
I feel _____ when I wake up. I am excited to _____ first thing in the morning. I take time to do ____ for myself. I spend time with _____ doing _____. My work makes me feel _____, and I am so grateful to be working on _____. I serve others by ____. I am grateful to be paid ____ in a ____ environment/culture, which grants me the freedom to live the life I want. I travel to ______ with ____. My home is ____, and it is a reflection of the things I truly cherish. We spend time _____ with our family and friends.
Wouldn’t it be nice if _____?
I can carve out ___ minutes a day to review this letter and use it to determine what to do next.
BAM! You did a great job, superstar.
Now, take it to heart. Start small and simple. Take responsibility for the things you can from where you are. Research, plan, and prepare for changes in the future. And remember that you are the one who gets to write and re-write this.
I’ll leave you with this - the answer to what you’re meant to be doing with your life probably doesn’t lie inside one profession or one partner or one city. Each of those things can bring you some real fulfillment, yes. But no matter where you go, what you do, or who you are with - all that’s guaranteed is that you will be the one there. So let’s make sure you’re going places, doing things, and spending time with people who make YOU feel the way you want to.
Have questions? Care to share? Reach out to me!
I’d love to hear what resonates with you.
